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CHALLIS 
^  Wife's  Husband 


THE      MINOR     DRAMA 

THE    ACTING    EDITIOX. 
No.   CXXVI. 


,MY  WIFE'S  HUSBAND. 


A  FARCE,  IN  TWO  ACTS. 


BY  F.  CHALLIS. 


TO    WHICH   ARE    ADDED 

A  Description  of  the  Costume — Cast  of  the  Characters — Kntrances  and  Exits— 
Belativo  Positious  of  tbe  Performers  oa  the  Stage,  and  the 
whole  of  the  Stage  Bu 


AS    PERFORMED    AT    TUE    PRINCIPAL 

LONDON   AND   AMERICAN    THEATEES. 


NEW     YORK: 

S  A  M  U  E  L     FRENCH, 

•   122  Nassau  Street,  (Up  Stairs.) 


CAST  OF  CHARACTERS.— [Mt  Wife's  Hd-sbahd.) 


Mh.  Wildlove,  -  - 
Brass,  ----- 
Petek  Poppleton,  - 
Capt.  Cliffy,  -  - 
Testy,  -  -  -  -  - 
Joseph,  -  -  -  - 
1st  Waitex!,  -  -  - 
2cr      DO.  -    -    - 

Isabella,  -  -  -  - 
Mrs.  Wildlove,  -     - 


Park,  1830. 
Mr.  Ilichings. 
Mr.  T.  Placide. 
Mr.  Barnes. 
Mr,  Woodhull. 
Mr.  Foot. 
iilr.  Povey. 
Mr.  Charlton. 
Mr.  Bisset, 
Mrs.  Blake. 
Mrs.  Wallack. 


}ueen^s,  London. 
Mr.  Vining. 
Mr.  Chapman, 
Mr.  Ross. 
Mr.  Howard* 
Mr.  Gattie. 
Mr.  Coates. 
Mr.  Brown. 


Miss  A.  Tree. 
Miss  Le  Vol, 


COSTUME. 


MR.  WILDLOVE.— Brown  coat— black  tights— Hessian 

boots,  &c. 
PETER      POPPLETON.— Shooting      coat— buckskia 

breeches — fair  top  boots. 
CAPT.  CLIFFY.— Naval  uniform, 
TESTV. — Brown  old  man's  suit — shoes  and  buckles 
JOSEPH.— Livery. 

ISABELLA.— White  satin  dress. 
MRS.  WILDLOVE.— Pink  satin  dress. 


STAGE  DIRECTIONS. 


R.  means  Right ;  L.  Left ;  C.  Centre  ;  R.  C.  RigU 
of  Centre  ;  L.  C.  Left  of  Centre  ;  D.  F.  Door  in  Flat  ; 
R.  D.  Right  Door';  L.  D.  Left  Door;  S.  E.  Second 
Entrance ;  U.  E.  Upper  Entrance ;  C.  D.  Centre  Door. 

*i*  The  reader  is  supposed  to  be  on  the  stage,  facin<; 
the  audience. 


urcrqrnsiTY  of  californu- 

SA:TA  TjA^i};.M{A 


MY  WIFE'S  HUSBAND. 


ACT  1. 

SCENE  I. — A  Room  at  an  Inn ;  table  and  chairs,  with  a 
coat  over  the  back ;  bells  ringing,  ijC. 

Enter  two  Waiters,  l. 

First  ^^aitcr.  This  way,  sir — this  way. 

Wil.  [  Without.]  Brass'!  Brass  !  I  say 

Second  IVaiter.  This  way,  gentlemen. 

First  iVaiter.  Oh,  Isay[lohu,  have  you  seen  Brass,  Mr. 
Wildlo ve's  servant  ?     He's  in  such  a  devil  of  a  passion ;  oh, 
here  he  is, — this  way,  sir. 
,  [Exeunt  Waiters,  h. 

Enter  Wii.df.ove,  follou^ed  by  Brass,  l. 

Wil.  Where  the  devil  can  that  rascal  of  mine  be? — Is 
this  what  you  call  making  haste,  you  scoundrel  ? 

Bra.  I'm  sure,  sir,  1  used  every  exertion,  but  the  lady 
lives  at  the  other  end  of  the  town,  add  I  had  not  an  oppor- 
tunity— 

Wtl.  Opportunity,  indeed ! — don't  tell  me  about  oppor 
tunilies,  when  on  my  errands  you  shall  Hy. — Well,  did  you 
see  my  charmer  ? — Ilave  you  enquired  who  she  is  ? — what 
she  is  ? — whence  she  comes  ? — whither  she  goes  ? — what  her 
father  is  ? — who  her  mother  was  ? — or  how  many  aunts, 
uncles,  and  cousins  she  has?  Just  answer  these  tew  par- 
ticulars and  I'll  forgive  you. 

Bra.  Oh  !  dear  nie  ! 

Wd.  Dear! — To  be  sure  she  is.  Has  she  not  cost  me  two 
whole  days  ?  Only  consider.  Brass — eight  and  forty  hours 
from  my  beloved  wife.  Not  that  I  care  a  curse  about  the 
girl,  but  1  promised  to  be  at  home  a  week  ago. 

Bra.  I  am  sure  my  mistress  regrets  the  cause  of  your 
delay. 

Wil.  I  dare  say  she  does,  poor  thing.  1  would  not  cause 
her  a  pang  for  the  world,  therefore  it  is  far  preferable  that 


10  My   wipe's  husband.  [act  i. 

she  should  suppose  1  am  detained  by  illness  than  you  know 
what. 

Bra.  Certainly,  sir;  lean  affirm  that  you  have  suffered 
a  martyrdom. 

Wil.  Ah,  Brass,  ye  single  men  cannot  imagine  how  com- 
fortable a  husband  finds  himself  in  such  a  situation.  The 
sweet  anticipation  of  meeting  after  the  pangs  of  absence, 
which  is  my  sole  motive  for  leaving  your  mistress  in  town. 

Jira.  How  blessed  you  are,  sir,  with  a  partner  so  en* 
gaging. 

Wil.  True  ! — very  engaging, — has  engaged  me  for  life. 
No  matter,  if  I  can  but  discover  who  this  angel  is, — she  is 
an  angel,  is  she  not.  Brass  ? — Eves — sparkle — sparkle — 
sparkle ; — lips  like  twin  rubies,  and  then — 

"  Her  ivory  cheek  scarce  tinted  like  the  glow, 
The  setting  sun  reflects  on  new-fall'u  snow." 

Bra.  For  all  the  world  like  my  mistress! 

Wil.  Pshaw ! — Never  make  comparisons,  they  are  so 
odious  ! — But  what  success  ? — any  answer  for  me  f 

Bra.  I  could  gain  no  intelligence  until  it  was  my  good 
fortune  to  meet  her  maid,  sir. 

Wil.  Her  maid  I  I'll  be  bound  you  soon  knew  all  about 
it  then. 

Bra.  She  was  not  to  be  done  so  easily.  Howevet,  1 
learned  that  her  name  was  Isabella. 

Wil.  Delightful! — Isabella! — charming  name!  Brass, 
I'll  giye  vou  a  guinea  ! 

Bra.  l^hat  she  resides  with  her  father. 

Wil.  Admirable!  You  shall  have  live,  Brass — five  gui- 
neas ! 

Bra.  I  persuaded  the  maid  to  deliver  your  note,  and  after 
waiting  two  hours  she  brought  an  answer. 

Wil.  An  answer! — Quick!  where  is  it  ? — I'll  give  you 
twenty  guineas  ! — you  are  the  best  fellow  upon  earth  and  de- 
serve my  eternal  esteem ;  depend  upon  me  I'll  do  something 
handsome  for  you.     Now  for  the  answer,  my  dear  fellow. 

Bra.  Bless  me  !  I  hope — I  cannot  have  lost  it. 

Wil.  Lost  it ! — Say  that  word  again,  and  I'll  be  the  death 
of  you!  and  cut  you  oil'  with  a  shilling — 

Bra.  [  Giving  a  letter.'\  H  ere  it  is — but  VO'i  }iurry  me  so 
{Aside.'\  Written  by  mistress  herself,  iu  a  forged  hand  to 
deceive  him. 

Wil.  [Reading.']  "  Jf  yavr  professions  be  really  sincere, 
and  you  seek  an  interview,  fail  not  to  tneet  my  servant  at 
the  library  this  evening,  nhowill  conductyou  to  your  Isa- 
bella."    Brass,  my  boy,  I'll  be  the  making  of  you! 

Bra.  That  is  too  much,  sir — I  had  rather  have  the  twenty 
guineas  which  you  were  pleased  to  promise  just  now. 


SCENE   I.]  MY    wife's    HUSBAND.  H 

Wil.  Leave  them  with  me ; — be  assured  they  shall  be  no- 
thing to  what  I  iuteud. 

Bra.  I  forgot  to  say  that  Miss  Isabella  is  engaged  to  her 
cousin,  who  is  expected  every  day  at  her  father's. 

\i'd.  Engaged  to  her  cousin  !  I'll  break  his  unfortunate 
neck. 

Bra.  Poor  gentleman  !     What  has  he  done  ? 

Wil.  Nothing  yet  I  hope,  and  I'll  take  good  care  that  is 
all  he  shall  do.  While  I  keep  the  appointment,  you  must 
be  upon  the  watch  for  this  hero. 

Bra.  I  will :  but  what  shall  I  tell  him,   sir  ? 

W'tl.  Any  thing  you  please; — say  the  family  he  came  to 
look  for  are  gone. 

ii/a.  Where? 

Wil.  Gone  to  look  for  him.  Tell  him  his  intended  fa- 
ther-in-law has  married  his  daughter  himself,  so  he  cannot 
Jjave  her,  and  that  you  would  advise  him  to  return  immedi- 
ately, as  the  scarlet  fever  is  raging, — any  little  thing  in 
tliat  way. 

Bra.  I  understand,  sir, — some  trifle  after  my  peculiar 
manner.  Stay,  sir,  1  called  at  the  office  and  found  this 
letter  which  had  been  there  a  week.  [Gives  the  letter. 

Wil.  Upon  my  life,  you  had  better  turn  two-penny  post- 
nan.  I  dare  say  it  is  from  that  pestering  booby  Cracka- 
way,  the  coachniakcr ;  curse  the  fellow!  he  expects  to  be 
paid,  and  had  the  impudence  to  threaten  me  with  a  visit 
from  a  bailift",  because,  after  he  had  called  fifteen  times  for 
the  money,  I  threatened  to  kick  him  down  stairs. 

Bra.  An  unreasonable  varletl 

Wil.  Let  me  see  the  direction.  My  wife's  writingby 
all  that's  scrawling  !  I  dare  say  the  contents  are  higiUy  in- 
teresting, but  I  really  cannot  spare  time  to  read  them  now, 
so  I  think  you  may  as  well  answer  it  for  me.  Say  I  am  re- 
covering, and  am  desired  to  be  kept  perfectly  quiet. 

Bra.  Mistress  will  never  think  of  coming,  after  such  a 
hint. 

Wil.  Mind,  Brass,  I  cannot  tell  what  may  occur;  so, 
should  we  meet  by  accident,  you  must  not  know  me. 

Bra.  Trust  me  for  that,  sir. 

Wil.  Say  something  kind  for  me  in  vour  answer; — am 
dying  to  behold  her  soon,  but  above  alf  be  sure  impress 
stiougly  that  no  one  must  disturb  me,  as  my  success  de- 
pends upon  being  left  to  myself.  [Exit,  R. 

Bra.  Ha!  ha  1  ha! — Yes,  you  will  indeed  see  her  much 
sooner  than  you  expect,  ftly  mistress  is  acquainted  with 
every  proceeding  ;  for  although  my  master's  letter,  contain- 
ing the  intelligence  of  his  pretended  indisposition,  did  not 
disclose  our  address,  yet  tne  post-mark  gave  sufficient  evi- 
dence where  we  might  be  found.    This  unkaowa  beauty. 


12  MY  wife's  husband.  [act  I. 

who  has  captivated  my  master,  is  my  mistress's  cousin,  and 
the  ladies, have  resolved  to  play  him  a  trick,  which  it  is 
hoped  will  cure  him  of  these  roviiigs.  But  it  is  no  atfair  of 
mine — each  rewards  me  liberally,  and  1  am  in  duty  bound 
to  make  myself  useful.  Who  have  we  liere,  I  wonder? — a 
strange  looking  fellow  I — Egad,  I'll  put  on  this  coat  and 
see  if  I  can't  act  the  gentleman  a  little.  [^Puts  on  the  coat. 

Enter  Waiter,  l. 

Wai.  This  way,  sir,  if  you  please  ;  excellent  accommo- 
dations. 

Bra.  Surely  this  is  oyr  rival. 

Enter  Pofpleton,  in  a  shooting  dress,  gun,  ^c.  l. 

Pop.  There's  a  good  young  man ;  give  my  dogs  some 
meat — take  care  ot  the  pug,  for  it's  a  huge  favourite  of 
mama. 

Wai.  I  will,  sir.  [Exit,  L. 

Pop.  When!  oh,  dear!  what  warm  work  this  is ; — they 
may  well  call  it  firing,  for  blow  me  if  I  an't  just  melting. 
Bra.  You  appear  equipped  for  execution,  sir. 
Pop.  Yes!  rather  a  swell  cut,  an't  it?   Do  you  know,  as 
I  came  across  the  park,  I  was  afear'd  the  keepers  might 
take  me  for  a  buck  and  shoot  me. 

Bra.  Ha!  ha!  ha! — good  sport  this  morning,  sir. 
Pop.  Sport  ! — egad!  I  hav'nt  yet  found  out  the  sport, 
tramping  over  ploughed  fields  in  the  dog  days;  and  as  for 
the  game,  blow  me  but  it's  all  wild  fowl  I  think,  for  none 
can  I  see.  To  be  sure  something  moved  in  a  bush,  but  as 
soon  as  my  gun  went  off  egad,  if  I  didn't  go  off  too:  for 
out  popped  summut  brown,    that  run  away  like  fun. 

Bra.  Ah,  my  dear  sir,  you  should  adopt  the  new  system, 
which  totally  precludes  the  use  of  dogs. 

Pop.  I'mglad  there  is  a  new  way,  for  my  dogs  ran  away 
too — poor  things!  they  an't  been  used  to  a  gun;  no  more 
has  my  shoulder,  for  it  had  such  a  thump,  bless  you  it's  all 
black  as  gunpowder. 

Bva.  Modern  sportsmen  use  the  double  barrel,  one  to 
start  the  game,    while  the  other  is  reserved  to  kill. 

Pop.  Yes,  and  I  should  be  killed.  One  barrel  is  heavy 
enough  for  me;  for  what  with  running  after  the  nug,  and 
carryin<jr  my  accoutrements,  I'm  justa  dying.  This  snort- 
man's  life  will  be  my  death  !  and  my  uncle  may  shoot  him- 
self, for  I  won't,  that's  Hat.  '[Sits  dou-n. 
Bra.  {Aside.^  His  uncle  1 — u  must  be  the  same.  What' 
the  nephew  of  my  old  esteemed,  and  anciently  res|)octed 
friend,  Mr.  Testy?  I  knew  you  in  a  moment  from  his  de- 
ecriptioa-^iamily  aosc,  exprc&sive  features,  countenance  aa 


SCENE   1.]  WT  WIFE^S    HUSBAND  13 

index  to  the  mind.  My  dear  sir,  how  d'ye  do  ? — very  well  ? 
Upon  mv  life,  I  am  glad  to  see  you. 

Pop.  Upon  my  lite,  so  am  L— What!  do  you  knowmv 
«ncle  ?  ■'  ' 

lira.  Know  him  ! — I  know  every  body. 

Pi>p.  No  ! — come,  now,  that's  too  strong. 
.,^',y-  9^  wnsequence,  I  mean.     I  am  just  Ifke  one  of 
the  family.     Had  the  pleasure  to  dine  with  your  uncle  yes- 
terday,—worthy  old  soul,  neither  of  us  tasted  a  morsel  for 
talking  ahuut  you. 

Pop.  Well,  thatwaskind;— worthjoldsoulishe?  I'm 
glad  of  that  Mr.  What's-your-name  ? 

Bra.  Ilarring^ton— Captain  Harrington,  much  at  your 
•ervice,  [Aside/]  and  my  master's. 

Pop.  Then  there's  my  cousin,  who  lam  comedown  to 
marry  ;  tho'  I  have  never  seen  her  or  uncle  yet,  but  mama 
managed  it  alL 

Bra.  Miss  Isabella  is  an  angel i— plays,  sings  and 
aances  to  perfection.  ' 

Pop.  Dances,  does  she?  Egad  I'll  shew  her  something 
—I  an' t  much  of  a  ghot  but  know  a  little  about  balls  1 
fancy.  There's  our  assembly  at  the  Cat  and  Wanuin-'-pan- 
we  do^o  it  so  every  other  Monday.  '^         ' 

Bra.  Unfortunately  you  have  a  rival;  be  assured  that  a 
lady  possessing  such  attractions  could  not  remain  unnotic- 
ed. But  It  is  of  little  consequence,  as  a  man  of  your 
bravery  and  gallantry  must  soou  put  every  other  suitor  to 
flight. 

Pop.  Sujppose  they  woirt  fly  ? 

Bra.  TnL'Q  they  must  be  made.  Twelve  paces  and  a 
brace  of  bal  s— bang  !  bang  !     The  business  is  settled 

Pop.  Perhaps  he  may  bang,  bang  me ;— besides,  I  an't 
used  to  those  sort  of  balls. 

I  i^T  1?"!^*^'  ""'i'"'  I'V'!' you  »°to  a  secret;— the  youDff 
lady  fooUishly  preieis  a  dashing  captain  just  returned  from 
a  cruse. 

Pop.  Ah  !    she  hasn't  seen  me. 

Bra.  But  her  father's  vote  and  interest  are  secured  in 
your  favour.  I  can  confidently  assert  that  your  rival  will 
not  relish  a  duel,  notwithstanding  his  commission:  press 
your  suit  boldly,  and  the  day  is  your  own. 

^?Pr  L'^f'V'f'"''/-**^  day  a"  fig's  end ;  are  you  sure  he 
v:on't  fight  ?     Only  think,  if  I  should  be  killed. 

^ra.  A  mere  tiifie;  you  would  have  the  satisfaction  to 
die  on  the  held  of  honour,  in  the  cause  of  beauty  —Cheer 
«r,  man  v  a  man  risks  his  life  for  such  a  chance. 

Pop.  Any  body  may  have  mine.     However,'  if  I  must  I 
must !  for  mama  would  not  see  me  again  if  I  dared  go  homfl 
Rithout  3  Wifo.     You're  certain  he  won'tfight? 
S 


14  MY  wife's  husband.  [act  i 

Bra.  On  the  word  of  an  officer  and  a  gentleman. 

Pop.  I've  a  great  mind  to  invite  him  to  dinner;  may-be 
he  will  settle  the  business  for  me.  [Aside.]  My  dear  captain, 
if  you  will  favour  me  with  your  company  to  dinner,  we  can 
talk  the  matter  over;  afterwards,  I  shall  be  obliged  if  you 
will  shew  me  the  way  to  my  uncle's  ? 

Bra.  With  the  greatest  pleasure.  Here,  Waiter  ! — you 
are  so  pressing;  Waiter  I — so  obliging.  Here,  Joan, 
Thomas  L  where  the  devil  are  ye  all  ? 

Enter  Waiter,  i. 

Wai.  Coming,  sir. 

Bra.  Coming,  sir!  This  is  always  the  case  when  I  calk 
Quick  ! — prepare  the  front  room,  with  dinner  for  two  im- 
mediately. Let  me  see — tish,  couple  of  ducks,  little  game, 
veal  cutlet,  and  some  other  trifle  ;  with  a  handsome  desert: 
and  be  sure  let  the  Madeira  be  good;  the  Champaigne 
which  you  sent  up  at  my  last  party  was  execrable — couldn't 
drink  it.  [ylsiWe.]  Deuced  good  reason  why.    There,  fly. 

Wai.   Ves,  sir. 

Pop.  [Aside.'\  I  could  see  he's  a  gentleman  with  hall 
an  eye.     Such  a  manner  of  ordering  the  servants. 

Wai.  Would  you  prefer  a  private  room,  gentlemen  ? 

Bra.  A  private  room  ! — would  you  choose  to  be  private? 

Pop.  Oh!  certainly'.  A  private  toomiaihispublic-housej 
by  all  manner  ef  means. 

Wai.  This  way,  gentlemen — this  way. 

\^Exeunt  Brass  and  Poppkton,  arm  in  arm,  r. 

Reenter  Poppleton,  r. 

Pop.  \  Taking  his  giin.^     These  things  go  off  sometimes ! 

\^Exit,  R. 

SCENE  II. — An  apartment  in  Testy's  house,  with  folding 
doors,  c.  F.  a  closet,  i..  v. 

Enter,  Testv,  r. 

Tes.  Plague  take  all  relations,  say  I !  A  man  cannot  re- 
tire, with  the  intention  to  live  at  his  ease  in  the  country, 
but  a  host  of  cockney  nephews  and  nieces  swann  around  him 
like  locusts,  devouring  all  before  them.  There  is  that  boo- 
by Poppleton;  1  intend  him  to  marry  my  daughter,  Isabella, 
80  he  has  sent  word  that  he  will  favor  me  witn  his  company 
for  a  week's  shooting ;  occupying  my  servants,  breaking 
rfown  my  fences,  and  destroying  my  game.  I'd  be  sworn 
he  never  saw  a  gun  in  his  liie,  except  the  old  musket  that 
his  father  used  when  in  the  volunteers  !  I  have  not  seen  the 
youngster  since  he  was  an  infant,  so  hope  for  tlie  best. 
Then  my  daughter  has  a  visitor  in  her  newly  married  cousiOa 


SCENE  II.]  MY   wife's   HUSBAND.  15 

Mrs.  Wildlove,  to  whom  I  have  the  happiness  to  be  guar- 
dian. She,  too,  gives  me  the  hope  of  an  immediate  nitro- 
duction  to  her  husband,  whom  she  has  married  while  on  a 
visit  to  town.  I  have  never  seen  him  but  reports  are  un- 
favourable. Egad  !  if  he  displease  me,  not  a  farthing  of 
her  fortune  shall  he  touch  I — and  to  crown  all,  1  suspect  that 
Isabella  loves  that  roving  captain :  oh,  a  plague  take  all 
relations  !     Here,  Joseph ! 

Enter  Joseph,  r. 

Jos.  Sir! 

Tes.  Has  the  gentleman  arrived  whom  I  expected  from 
town  ? 

Jos.  Not  yet,  sir. 

Tes.  The  coach  must  have  come  in  so  I'll  step  to  the  of- 
fice, Joseph: — do  you  know  Captain  ClifHy? 

Jos.  1  have  seen  him,  sir. 

Tei.  And  would  reco<rnize  him  again,  no  doubt.  I  think 
I  can  trust  you,  Joseph. — My  daughter's  in  love  with  this 
hero;  but,  for  good  reasons,  it  is  my  desire  that  she  marry 
another.  Now,  as  I  am  assured  that  he  gains  admittance 
into  my  house,  I  wish  you  to  keep  watch  until  I  return. 

Jos    I  will,  sir. 

Tes.  Let  every  person  have  free  entrance,  then  be  it  your 
care  to  detain  them.  If  you  can  think  of  no  other  expedi- 
ent, lock  the  door;  only  do  as  I  desire,  and  you  shall  have 
no  cause  to  regret  serving  me,  for  I  am  determined  to  sa- 
tisfy my  doubts. 

Jos.  Your  commands  shall  be  obeyed,  sir. 

Tes.  That's  right.  Do  your  duty,  and  depend  upon  my 
liberality.  _  [Exit,  l. 

Jos.  Very  pretty  duty  it  is,  too — to  be  jailor,  without  as- 
sistants, to  two  young  wild  creatures,  and  all  the  men  they 
choose  to  see.  However,  master  is  right,  for  to  be  sure 
Miss  Isabella  does  allow  Mr.  Cliffly  to  come  and  see  her; 
and  come  he  will,  and  knock  my  brains  out  if  I  dared  say 
a  word — but  I'll  make  bold  to  lock  the  door.  [A  knock.'\ 
There  we  are! — I'd  be  sworn  that  door  knows  when  master 
is  from  home,  for,  as  soon  as  his  back  is  turned  the  fun  be- 
gins. [K7ioc/cinff.]  Go  on.  [Kiiockitit/.]  You  need  not  make 
that  noise,  for  I  shan't  hurry.  [Exit,  slowly,  l. 

Enter  Isabella  and  Mrs.  Wildlove,  r. 

Mrs.  W.  Well,  my  dear  Isabella,  are  you  ready  to  re- 
ceive my  faithless  swain  ? 

Isa.  Every  thing  is  prepared,  my  dearcousin,  and  Cliffly 
has  promiseci  his  assistance. 

Mrs.  W.  I  only  fear  that  Edward's  presence  will  frustrate 
our  plans,  should  he  forget  himself. 
B  2 


16  MY  wife's  husband,  [act  1. 

Isa.  I  am  the  willing  surety  for  his  good  behaviour,  for  I 
would  uotteil  hiin  our  secret  uuUl  he  vowed  to  be  quite  calm: 
— there  is  notliiug  to  dread  from  liim — I  am  only  apprehen- 
sive that  you  will  betray  us. 

Mrs.  W,  Not  for  worlds  I — Was  it  not  unkind  to  send  me 
word  tiiat  he  was  taken  suddenly  ill,  when,  on  my  arrival, 
I  find  my  truant  spouse  the  gayest  of  the  gay,  and  sending 
billets-doux  to  you. 

Jsa.  Which,  like  a  good  girl,  I  forwarded  to  his  lawful 
wife,  and  cheerfully  assist  in  the  cause  of  reform. 

Airs.  W.  Or  rather  revenge,  my  sweet  cousin,  for  I  am 
determined  to  teaze  him  for  tliis  flirtation. 

Isa  Admirable  spirit!  But  have  I  not  more  cause  to  quarrel 
with  my  fate,  when  my  father  insists  that  I  marry  the  odious 
Mr.  Peter  Poppleton,  whose  name  alone  is  sufficient  to  give 
me  the  horrors.  Only  imagine,  "  Mrs.  Poppleton  and  the 
little  Misses  Poppletons,"  bawled  by  the  stentorian  lungs 
of  a  servant,  as  1  enter  a  friend's  house. 

Mrs.  W.  Your  ideas  are  very  fertile,  Isabella;  at  any 
rate  you  might  have  omitted  the  younger  branches. 

Isa.  They  come  of  course,  you  know  ;  besides,  I  am  com- 
manded 10  forget  Cliffly,  but  that  is  impossible ;  it  is  my 
duty  to  obey  papa,  but  love  will  not  be  controuled 

Enter C AVT ii.1^  Cliffly,  l. 

Cli.  Ladies,  your  most  devoted — I  had  scarcely  time  to 
reach  the  door,  where  I  have  been  knocking  for  the  last  half 
hour,  before  Mr.  Wildlove,  who  is  hastening  on  the  tiptoe 
of  expectation  to  his  appointment. 

Isa.  I  am  to  remain  and  receive  the  faithless  wretch. 

Mrs.  W.  While  Edward  and  1  step  iuto  the  adjoining 
parlour. 

Cli.  Is  Isabella  to  be  left  alone  ?  That  will  be  quite  bar- 
barous— I  am  sure  she  will  be  frightened,  so  with  your  per- 
mission I  will  keep  her  company. 

Isa.  Indeed  I  do  not  feel  the  least  alarm !  Amarriedmau 
coming  to  make  love  by  appointment  I — such  charming  sport, 

Cli.  I  am  positive  you  will  prefer  company,  Bella;  it  is 
so  shocking  to  be  alone — quite  horrific,  1  assure  you. 

Mrs.  W.  My  kind,  conbiderate  sir,  then  pray  who  is  to 
take  care  of  me,  or  am  I  to  be  shut  up  by  myself  like  a  crosj 
child  ? 

Cli.  Bv  no  means,  I  only  imagined — 

Mrs.  W.  That  your  society  would  be  more  agreeable  to 
Isabella. 

•   Cli.  Well,  if  Bella  must  receive  your  husband  alone,  she 
need  not  give  him  too  much  encouragement, 

Mrs.  W.  Certainly  not.  A  cold  and  respectful  distance 
should  be  maintained  during  the  first  interview. 


tCENE  11^  MY    wife's    UUSBANB.  17 

/jc.  Ha!  ha!  ha!  je  are  both  jealous,  I  declare.  If  I 
hear  the  least  niunnuniig,  beware  luy  power;  for  I  can  pu- 
nish ye,  by  acceptiiii;  the  offer  of  the  gallaut  knight  who 
coincs  to  tlirow  hnuself  at  my  feet, 

Cli.  Fie!  Bella, — I  jealous,  indeed! 

Mrs.  W.  This  is  truly  ridiculous,  when  I  trust  you  with 
my  husband, 

(JIL  There  is  nothing  to  fear  from  Mr.  Wildlove,  I  hope. 

Jsa.  These  vagaries  but  injure  the  cause  in  which  we  a-re 
cnj'aged; — I  can  forgive  you-r  doubts,  for  where  love  exists, 
jealously  will  intrude. 

ClU  Generous  Isabella ! 

ha.  I  hear  footsteps  on  the  stairs  ;  some  one  approaches, 
— fly  to  your  concealment. 

Wildlove.  [  Without.'l  Cursed  dark  stair-case — reminds 
me  of  the  moiiunrent. 

Mrs.  W.  Hush!   'tis  his  voice — he  comes. 

[Exeunt  Cliffly  and  Mrs.  Wildlove  through  folding 
doors;  c.  f.  Isabella  takes  abook  and  pretends  to  be  reading. 

ii/j/er  "NViLDLovE,  l. 

Wil.  Coufound  that  queftr  looking  fellow  at  the  door,  i 
^night  have  broken  my  neck  for  what  he  cared — he  was  deuc- 
ed particular  to  lock  me  in,  however. — Ah!  there  she  sits 
like  bcautie's  queen, — engaged  with  some  work  breathing 
sentiment  and  love,  in  every  pa^e.  I  wish  she  would  look. 
— Ahem! — ahem!     Cannot  be  deaf,  surely.     Madam. 

Isa.  Sir. 

Wil.  Madam,  your  most  devoted  and  liighly  favoured,  ser- 
vant waits  to  thank  you  for  this  kind  condescension. 

Isa,  Where  the  pleasure  is  mutual,  sir,  the  obligation, 
if  any  exist,  must  be  equal. 

Wil.  [Aside.'l  Poor  angel !  she  will  fall  into  my  arms,— I 
perceive  she  is  paralized.  lleally,  madam,  1  know  not  how 
to  express  my  thanks,  my  gratitude  for  this  interview.  I 
first  beheld  you  at  the  concert,  two  evenings  since — froiu 
that  moment  my  thoughts,  hopes,  wishes — my  heart,  all 
iiave  been  centered  in  one  object — need  I  confess  a  passion 
for  you,  as  sincere  and  tender  as  it  must  be  eternal  ? 

Isa.  And  would  you  thus  avow  your  love  upon  so  slight 
an  acquaintance  ? 

Wd.  Love,  madam,  searches  too  deeply  to  require  ages 
to  fix  an  asylum. 

Isa.  Suppose,  after  majriage — 

Wil.  [Aside.]  Marriage  !  I  never  can  open  my  mouth  to 
a  pirl,  but  that  word  is  sure  to  stop  me. 

Isa.  It  would  be  ungenerous  to  conceal  my  faults.  Should 
some  smart  dashing  young  oflicer  pester  me  with  hJs  atteu- 
tious,  positively  I  cuunut  answer  for  the  consequen<;e3. 

B  3 


18  MT    wife's    HUSBANfi.  [aCT  t. 

Wil.  Candid,  I  confess.  Devilish  good  idea  for  a  be- 
ginner; has  some  talent,  I'll  be  bound  I  shall  discover  it 
in  time. 

Jsa.  There  are  husbands  who  neglect  their  wives,  until 
it  becomes  imperative,  in  self-defence,  to  give  them  some 
cause  for  suspicion. 

Wil.  Sweet  innocence!  That  such  instances  do  exist, 
is  a  most  melancholy  fact,  bnt  fortunately  the  occurrence  is 
so  seldom. 

Jsa.  Quite  the  contrary.  I  have  a  friend  lately  married 
to  one  who  formerly  pretended  to  adore  her — alas  !  she  now 
mourns  her  husband's  infidelity,  aud  has  became  the  ob- 
ject of  his  neglect  and  scorn. 

Wil.  Can  such  monstrous  villainy  exist? 
Jsa.  As  truly  as  I  behold  you. 
Wtl.  And  the  lady — 

Jsa.  To  be  revenged,  carries  on  a  trifling  correspondence- 
with  another,  while  her  credulous  partner  considers  he  only 
is  licensed  to  roam. 

Wil.  Poor  fellow  I  Well,  I  must  confess  that  I  admire 
the  ability  of  the  woman  who  could  so  easily  deceive  her 
husband.  What  a  simpleton  must  he  be!  Excuse  me;  if 
I  doubt— 

Isa.  You  are  perfectly  at  liberty  to  doubt  what  you  please, 
but  I  am  as  positive  of  the  truth  of  my  assertions,  as  that 
you  stand  before  me.  Only  imagine  that  you  were  so  situ- 
ated. 

Wil.  Ha!  ha  r  ha!  a  devilish  good  thought.  Whv,  ma- 
dam, I  defy  all  the  wives  an<l  women  in  Christendom  to 
cheat  me  ; — no,  no,  I  am  a  man  of  the  world  ! — you  see  we 
men  of  the  world  are  not  to  be  deceived  by  all  the  artifice 
and  cunning  even  of  our  mother  Eve.     No,  no! 

Isa.  And  you  are  so  invulnerable  to  jealousy,  that  were 
jrourwife  happily  engaged  in  the  next  room,  you  could  re- 
main perfectly  calm  and  comfortable? 

Wil.  My  wife  in  that  room?— did  you  say  in  that  room, 
or  was  I  mistaken  ? — in  that  room  ? 

Isa.  Fal  lalla!  Here  s  bouncing.  Do  pray  endeavour 
to  stand  still. 

Wil.  Now,  madam,  I  am  still :  I  beseech  you  continue 
your  entertaining  conversation;  I  am  highly 'delighted,  I 
assure  you.  Since  I  had  (he  happiness  to  find  myself  in 
your  societv,  you  have  kindly  favoured  me  with  a 'wife,  a 
rival,  and  1  only  await  the  finishing  touch — half  a  dozen 
cbildreii  to  complete  the  family  picture. 

Isa.  Nay  1  only  wished  you  to  fancy  yourself  married, 
and  your  beloved  partner  had  listened  to  the  soft  persuasi- 
ons (jf  another. 

Wil.  That  is  not  much  you  require,  certainly.     Zounds  I 


SCENE    II.]  MY    wife's    HUSBAND.  19 

death,  and  the  devil !  Madam,  what  is  it  you  mean  ? — Mv 
wife  has  plaved  me  false?  But  I'll  quickly  be  satistied,^ — I'll 
drag  the  weak  woman  and  her  base  paramour  before  the — 
I'll  sacrifice  the  one  to  my  wounded  honour,  and  the  other 
to  niv  veutieance,  a  sad  and  terrible  example  to  ali  future 
naughty  wives. — I'll — I'll — yes,  I  will. — 11a!  hal  ha!  au 
excellent  joke.  Madam,  excuse  my  laughing,  but  it  is  so 
facetious — ha!  ha!  ha! — 1  do  enjoy  a  joke  from  the  bottom 
of  mv  soul.  Yes,  I  would  do  all  that,  providiug  1  were  mar- 
ried-^ha  !  ha  !   ha  ! 

Jxa.  lam  so  happy  to  see  you  enjoy  yourself— hal  hal 
ha  ! — it  is  so  pleasant. 

Wil.  [Attemjjtiny  a  laugh.']  Ha!  ha! — so  it  is,  madam. 
Ha  I  mighty  agreeable,  to  be  playing  the  fool  in  this 
manner. 

Jva.  I  am  always  pleased  to  see  my  friends  enjoy  them- 
selves. 

Wit.  I  see  it  in  your  countenance,  madam — such  an  ami- 
able feeling. 

Jxa.  I  am  at  a  loss  to  account  for  vour  strange  conduct, 
sir  !  That  the  relation  of  an  every  Jay  occurrence  should 
cause  such  agitation,  requires  an  explanation. 

H'll.  [Axide.]  Blown  by  Jupiter  ! — Dearest  angel — I — I 
— can  only  attribute  my  perturbed  state  of  mind,  to  the  re- 
laxation of  my  nerves,  produced  by  a  concatenation  of  cir- 
cumstances, united  by  the  hand  of  art,  and  delivered  with 
the  force  of  nature — {Aside.]  If  she  comprehend  that,  1  am 
dumb  forever. 

Ixa.  Admirably  defined,  sir. 

Wti.  [Aside.]  I  knew  that  explanation  must  satisfy  any 
reasonable  soul. 

Pop.  [  Without]  Pug,  pug,  pug ! — take  the  cat  away ! 

Isa  \  stranger's  voice — and  coming  this  way. — Conceal 
yourself,  1  entreat  you. — Fly  ! 

Wil.  Fly  ! — yes,  if  my  angel  will  lend  me  her  wings. 

Isa.  Should  you  be  discovered  I  am  lost  for  ever. 

Wil.  But  truly  I  know  not  how  to  escape,  unless  I  could 
balloon  it  from  the  window. —  It  is  my  turn  to  govern  now. 

[Aside. 

Isa.  Ah !  there  is  a  closet, — quick !  f(^tsteps  are  at  the 
door. 

Wil.  [  Enters  the  closet.]  There,  I  have  kept  my  word. 
I  say,  do  not  fasten  me  in  and  forget  to  feed  me.  or  I  shall 
be  starved  to  death  ! 

Jsa.  Good  fortune  be  praised — he  is  secure  from  detection 
for  the  present;  and  as  this  interruption  will  interfere  with 
our  proj'ect,  I  must  away  to  warn  mv  companions. 

[Ezit,  c.  D.  P. 


20  »iY  wife's  husband.  {act  I. 

Enter  Peter  Poppleton  and  Joseph,  r. 

Pop.  Oh,  dear  me!  I  am  so  tired — blow  the  pug,  I^ay; 
what  the  deuce  had  he  to  do  with  the  cat? — a  nasty  jspiteml 
brute — you  ought  to  keep  such  animals  in  the  cellar, 

Jos.  He's  safe  enough  now,  sir,  never  fear. 

Wil.  [Aside — lookiny  from  the  closet.'\  I've  company 
already,   I  see. 

Pop.  \Sits  dou'n.'\  Well,  it  can't  be  helped; — there's 
half-a-crown  for  your  trouble.  Now  you  must  answer  me  a 
few  questions.  In  the  first  place,  your  young  mistress  is 
very  pretty,   I  believe? 

JOS,  [^Sits  down.'\  That  she  is,  sir.  Pray  go  on,  I'll 
answer  any  thmg  you  please. 

Pop.  And  there's  a  gentleman  who  comes  to  see  her  f 

Jos.  To  be  sure  there  is. 

Wil.  [Asid<;.'\    The  fellow  must  allude  to  me. 

Jos.  But  master  don't  know  that,  sir. — I'll  tell  you  ape- 
cret,   for  vou  are  so  generous. 

Pop.  \Vill  you  though? — I  am  so  fond  of  a  secret! 

Wil.  [Comes from  the  closet  behind  them — apart.'\  Sa 
am  I. 

Jos.  He  is  in  the  house  at  this  moment. 


Wil.  [Aside.l     Here's  a  discovery. 
Pop.  In  tl     ■  ' 


Pop.  In  the  house  do  you  say; 

Jos.  Hush!    don't   speak  so  loud — he  can't  be  far  oflf.-— 
Young  mistress  is  dying  for  him. 

Wil.  {Aside'\     Sensible  girl! — displays  excellent  taste. 

Jos.  Master  has   some   suspicions,    and  I    am  to  keep 
watch. 

Pop.  Here's  a  plot!     But  I  say,  what  sort  of  a  man  is  he? 

Wil.  [Aside.'^  I  have  a  wonderful  inclination  to  knock 
bis  brains  out. 

Pop.  Yes,  but  I  mean  how  does  he  look? 

Wil.  [AsideJ]  Very  interesting  just  at  present. — What 
the  devil  can  he  want  with  me  ? 

Jus.  He  looks  rather  big. 

Pop.  Big ! — is  he  very  big  ? — D'ye  think  he'll  make  any 
resistance  ? 

WU.  [Aside.'l    Resistance!     It  rhust  be - 

Pop.  D'ye  thiulf  he  can  fight?  because  you  see  I  want 
to  get  him  away. 

Wil.  [Aside^  Yes,  it  is  that  rascal  Crackaway  has 
sent  to  arrest  me,  and  this  booby  is  a  bailiff  in  disguise. 

Jos.  I  can't  say  about  his  fighting — he  seems  as  if  he 
could,  and  would  too. 

Pop.  Does  he  indeed  ? — then  I  won't  have  any  thing  to 
do  with  him  alone  ;  my  friend,  the  oflicer,  is  waiting  for  ma 
in  the  street — he'll  settle  it  for  me. 


8CENK    I  I.J  MY    wife's    HUSBAND.  21 

Wil.  [Aside.]    His  friend  the  sherifTs  ofllcer,  I'll  swear. 
Jos.   You  must  not  go  to  him,  for  I  have  orders  to  detain 
every  body  till  master  returns,  and  1  dare  not  disobey  him, 
for  he  told  me  if  1  did  as  he  wished,  he'd  give  me — [KiiocfC' 
itg.]  a  double  knock  ! — what  a  thunderer !  1  must  answer 
Jje  door. 
Pop.  You  won't  leave  me  alone,  will  you? 
Wtl.  \ Aside.]     My  only  chance  of  escape. 
Jos.  Stay  here  'till  I  come  back,  I  shall  not  be  a  mo- 
ment. 

Pop.  Suppose  he  should  come — the  great  man  seven  feet 
high,  what  am  I  to  do? 

Jos.  Young  mistress  has  taken  care  of  him — she'll  keep 
him  safe,  I'll  warrant. 

Wil.  \ Aside.]     Not  while  a  bailiff  is  at  his  heels. 
Jos.  No,  sit  still  and  make  yourself  comfortable,  I  Si,hall 
be  back  directly.  [Exit,  l. 

Pop.  I  wish  I  was  comfortable  at  home,  too.  Wha. 
business  have  I  in  this  afl'air,   I  should  be  glad  to  know? 

IVil.  [Aside.]  One  of  my  polite  friends  being  gone,  I'll 
take  the  liberty  to  follow ;  and  if  this  agent  of  the  law  should 
endeavour  to  prevent  me,  he  must  take  the  consequences. 

[Goiriff, 
Pop.  Who's  there? — {Sees  Wildlove.]  oh,  dear!  I  must 
brazen  it  out, — 1  am  so  frightened. 

Wtl.  [Coming  forward.]  I'll  try  what  bravado  will  do 
fur  me.     Well,  sir. 

Pop.  [Aside.]  There  he  is;  how  fierce  he  looks.  Well, 
sir. 

Wil.  I  say,  sir — I  say,  sir — yes!  that's  what  I  say,  sir! 
Pop.  And  I  say,  sir,  if  you  come  to  that,  you  are  just  the 
man  I  want,  sir, 

Wil.  [Aside.]     As  I  suspected.  [Going.]  I  am  sorry  that 
I  cannot  sUiy  now,  but  if  to-morrow  will  suit — 
Pap.  [Aside.]     I  think  he's  afraid. 

\l,ays  his  hand  on  Wildlove" s  shoulder. 
Wil.  Paws  off,  pug! 

Pop.  You  are  not  going  in  that  way,  sir; — there's  a  small 
account  to  be  settled  between  us. 

Wd.  [Aside  ]    Calls  it  a  small  account — that's  favoura- 
ble.— Take  your  hands  off,  sir! 
Pop.  The  sum  total  is — 

Wd.  I  know — eighty-four  pounds,  sixteen  shillings  and 
eight  pence. 

Pop.  [Aside.]  He  trembles,  for  cericain.  Come,  that 
won't  satisfy  me. 

Wil.  Then  you  are  very  unreasonable! 

Pop.  I  can't  help  it — Iwantsomethingmore  than  that. 

Wil.  Something  more !  if  you  do  uot  make  the  best  of 


22  MY  wife's  husband,  [act  t. 

your  way  down  that  stair-case,  I'll  give  you  something  more 
prt'se'itly. 

Pop.  Vou  need  not  stare  at  me  so — I  an't  to  be  fris^hten- 
ed  by  big  looks — I  know  all  about  your  being  here,  though 
you  managed  it  so  cleverly. 

Wil.  Indeed  !  and  I  know  that  you  are  confoundedly  ira- 
peitiuent,  and  I  have  a  greatmind  to  wring  your  large  nose 
from  your  little  face,  Mr.  Catchpole. 

Pop.  [Produces  a  pistol.]  Don't  you  call  names,  or 
perhaps  you  muy  catth  it,  Mr.  Swagger. 

IVtl.  If  I  must  submit,  you  will  perhaps  accommodate 
me  with  time. 

Pop.  [Aside.]     He  means  to  fight  then  ? 
IVd.  Distance  is  a  trilling  consideration,  although  I  hare 
affairs  of  the  greatest  importance  to  arrange,  to  which  I  will 
devote  this  night; — to-morrow  I  pledge  my  honour  to  meet 
you  at  any  hour  you  may  appoint. 

Pop.  Wishes  to  make  his  will,  I  dare  say,  and  then  he 
will  do  me  the  favour  to  blow  my  brains  out.'  [Aside.]  I'll 
agree,  and  take  the  mail  for  London  this  evening. 

Wil.  Upon  consideration  1  am  aware  that  you  must  do 
your  duty,  so  delay  not  amoment ;  1  am  ready  to  attend  you. 
Pop.  What  shall  I  do? — what  will  become  of  me? — he 
won't  wait  until  to-morrow.  [Aside.]  Pray  don't  let  me 
hurry  you,  sir — I  would  not  wish  for  the  world; — only  con- 
sider, take  leave  of  your  friends. 

Wil.  Pshaw!  1  am  ready — is  it  not  enough  ? — so  produce 
your  credentials,  and  I  am  your  man. 

Pop.  [Aside]     My  credentials! — a  new  name  for  pistols. 
Wil.  W'hat  the  devil  arc  you  fumbling  at? — Quick  !  Jack 
Wildlove  never  yet  llinched  from  misfortune. 
Pop.  Wildlove  I — Is  your  name   Wildlove? 
]]'(/.  My  godfathers  and  godmothers  call  me  so. 
Pop.  Then  I'm  safe — I  am  safe  ! — you'er  not  the  man  I 
took  you  for ; — I  am  so  pleased — I  am  so  happy  ! 
Wtl.   Yeu  are  rather  maddish  I  think. 
Pop.  That's  not  the  name  I  was  told.     Are  you  sure  you 
are  the  other  gentleman? — I  understood   you  came  to  see 
Miss    Isabella. 

Wil.  Probably  I  did,  sir— what  then  ? 
Pop.  Nothing. 

Wil.  Perhaps  you  will  have  the  goodness  to  inform  me 
what  you  mean  by  this  strange  behaviour  ? 

Pop.  [Aside.]  '  Now  he's  getting  fierce  again  1 
Wtl.  Will  you  favour  me  with  an  e.'iplanation  ? 
Pop.  Why— I— you  see  1  thought  you   were  my  rival, 

and  so 

Wil.  Then  you  are  not  a  bailiff,  and  have  no  wish  to 
take  mc  uuder  your  protection  ? 


SCENE  I.]  MY    wife's    HUSBAND,  23 

Pop.  A  bailiff  indeed  I — Not  I — 1  came  to  challenge — to 
fight  you. 

W'tl.  Devilish  civil,  upon  my  life.  Well  ifyouwishit, 
I  will  do  my  best  to  accommodate  you,  since  you  have  been 
so  obliging. 

Pop.  Pray  don't  think  about  it,  I  have  not  the  slightest 
wish  to  tight,  I  assure  you. — One  narrow  escape  is  enough 
forme.     Miss  Isabella  is  much  at  your  service. 

Wil.  And  you  resign  all  claims. 

Pop.  Indeed  and  1  do  I — This  night's  coach  shall  find  me 
safely  seated  on  my  way  home,  and  when  I  come  wile-hunt- 
ing or  game-shooting  again,  may  I  perish  by  my  own  pow- 
der and  shot ;  so  good-bye. 

Wil.  Better  take  one  pop  before  you  go. 

Pop.  So  I  will,  in  the  coach.  [Exit,  r. 

Wil.  ILaughing.^     Ha!   ha!   ha! 

[Exit  into  the  closet,  l. 

END   OF    ACT    1. 


ACT   II. 

SCENE  I. — An  apartment  in  Testy' s  house  as  before. 

Enter  Wildlove  from  the  closet. 

Wil.  [Lauffhinff.]  Ha!  ha!  ha!  I  wonder  where  Isa- 
bella is. — If,  as  1  have  just  heard,  she  adores  me,  I  have  no 
fear  of  discovery — my  retreat  will  soon  be  converted  into  a 
paradise.  I  can  imagine  her  sylph-like  form  tupping  to 
give  me  liberty,   and  her  silver  tones  exclaiming — 

Tes.  [  Without.]     Give  me  the  blunderbuss,  Joseph. 

Wil.  Somebody  coming  Ij-talking  of  fire-arms  too.  I 
really  do  not  feel  to  possess  naif  the  spirits  I  had. 

Tes.  [  Without.}  Joseph,  place  the  constable  at  the  door 
while  I  make  search. 

Wil.  Constable? — make  search  ! — I  am  a  lost  man!  I 
wish  they  may  not  find  me.  [Exit  into  the  closet  l.  f. 

Enter  Testy  u-ith  a  blunderbuss,  and  Joseph  with 
a  broom,  l. 

Tes.  Did  you  not  say  he  was  here? 

Jos.  I  am  sure  I  opened  the  door  to  him,  sir,  and  no 
person  has  left  the  house. 

Tes.  I'll  trounce  the  villain  yet.  The  rascal — I'll  teach 
him  a  shorter  method  of  leaving  my  premises  than  the  street 
door  ailbrds. 

[  Wildlove  looks  otttfrom'the  closet. 


24  MT  wife's  hus-band.  [act  II 

Jos.  He  must  have  jumped  out  of  the  wiadow — it's  ouly 
thirty  feet  from  the  pavement- 

Wil.  [A^iide  J     A  mere  triHe, 

Tes.  That's  a  good  thought,  Joseph.  Look'ye,  thii 
blunderbuss  contains  three  balls. 

Jos.  Three  balls  I — oh,  then  I  suppose  it  belongs  to  my 
uncle ! 

Tes.  Hold  your  tongue,  you  rascal.  Well,  it  is  loaded 
with  three  bullets,  and  a  suificient  quantity  of  small  shot. 
Egad  I  I'll  make  the  fellow  take  die  leap,  or  digestifs  con- 
tents. I'll  quickly  see  if  young  sparks  are  to  invade  the 
repose  of  peaceable  families,  and  fill  my  daughter's  hea4 
with  love  tales.     You  are  sure  you  know  nim  ? 

Jus.  Downright  positive,  sir. 

Wil.  iAside.\  If  ever  we  meet,  you  shall  have  striking 
proofs  of  our  acquaintance,  and  bear  marks  of  our  friend- 
ship too. 

Tes.  I'll  answer  for  it,  Isabella  has  concealed  him  in  her 
chamber. — Yes!  I'll  make  search  there; — he  shall  not  es- 
cape ; — follow  me,  Joseph — I'll  put  a  stop  to  these  proceed- 
ings. [Exeunt  Testy  and  Joseph,  lu 

Wil.  [Coming  forward  in  a  livery  suit.]  I  have  taken 
the  liberty  to  pluck  one  of  the  flowers  from  my  Eden,  very 
much  in  the  shape  of  q.  coat  and  waistcoat,  in  which  dis- 
guise I  hope  to  elude  the  vigilance  of  the  worthy  gentleman 
that  spoke  last  If  i  once  again  enjoy  the  privilege  of  view- 
ing tlie  exterior  of  this  mansion,  where  I  have  endured  so 
many  perils, — may  my  next  adventure  be  my  last.  Yes, 
my  charmer  must  pine,  fret,  and  sigh  herself  into  a 
consumption:  I  am  sorry  for  her,  very  sorry — poor  girl; 
but  if  unreasonable  old  fathers  will  interfere,  they  deserve 
to  lose  their  daughters. — Hal  what's  that? — voices  in  the 
next  room  I — I'll  take  a  peep,  however. — The  key-hole  stop- 
ped ! — A  man  conversing  with  a.  lady  I  or  my  ears  deceive 
me-  "  Togo  or  not,  to  go?  that's  the  question."  I  will 
remain  !  tliat's  the  answer ; — curiosity  gets  the  better  of  my 
fears,  and  I  am  determined  to  be  gratified. 

[Retires  to  the  closet. 

Enter  Captain   Cliffly  and  Mrs.  Wildlove,  leaiiing 
on  him,  c.  d.  f 

Cli.  [Advancinff  to  tJie  front  9.]  This  way  my  love; 
rest  assured  no  danger  is  near. 

Mrs.  Wil.  Thanks,  dearest  Edward, — how  shall  I  repay 
your  kindness? 

Wil.  [Aside,  peeping  from  the  closet.}     Ah  !  my  wife. 

Cli.  Grant  me  but  your  smiles,  and  I  am  coutcDt. 

Mrs.  Wil.  My  hustand — 


SCENE  I.]  MY    wife's     HUSBAND,  S5 

Cli,  Think  not  of  one  unworthy  your  remembrance, — he 
who  valued  not  the  possession  of  such  charms  deserves  to 
lose  them.     Cheer  up,  my  love. 

Wil.  [Asu/e.]  I  can  bear  this  no  longer ! — yet,  how 
shall  1  account  for  my  ap))earance  from  this  dismal  closet, 
and  in  this  costume? — oh  that  cursed  little  gipsy,  who 
bantered  me  with  her  jokes;  but  I'll  watch  their  miitions. 

C'li.  My  servant  will  procure  horses,  which  will  be  ready 
in  an  hour;  favoured  by  the  darkness  of  the  night,  we  may 
defy  pursuit.  To-morniw's  dawn  will  find  us  ou  our  way  to 
France,  where  love  and  happiness  await  us. 

Wil.  [Antde.]  Taking  French  leave  with  a  vengeance! 
If  she  consent — 

Mj-x.  Wil.  My  every  study  shall  endeavour  to  convince 
vou  how  sincerely  lam  devoted  toyour  wishes — my  gratitude 
ibr  the  release  from  a  man  whom  I  now  forget  for  ever. 

Wil.  [Aside.]  A  very  praiseworthy,  aft'ectionate  resolu- 
tion, upon  my  life  ! 

Cli.  Then  haste  we  to  our  destined  abode  I  Despising 
the  world  and  its  glittering  joys,  we  will  leave  the  noisy 
haunts  of  men. — In  some  retired  spot,  close  by  a  murmur- 
ing stream,  and  shaded  by  the  foliage  of  surrounding  trees, 
we'll  raise  our  habitation.     A  jesmiue-entwined  cottage. 

Ah's.  IVil.   How   charming   to  live  in  such  retirement. 

Wit.  [Aside.]  Delightful  prospect! — the  old  story — love, 
a  little  cot,   a  clear  spring,  and  potatoes. 

Cli.  The  mountain  nymphs  and  swains  shall  tend  our 
flocks. 

Wil.    [Aside.]     Milk  cows  and  drive  sheep. 

Mrs.    Wil.  The  villagers  attend  our  little  feats. 

^ViL  ''Aside.]    Sour  cream  and  oatmeal  cakes! 

Cli.  'Ihe  fields  will  yield  us  corn. 

Mrs.  Wil.  My  dairy  supply  the  poultry. 

Wil    [Aside.]     Ploughing  and  pig-killing. 

Cli.  In  short,  our's  will  be  the  home  of  love. 

Wil.  [Aside.]  Sniock-frock — russet  gowns — a  farm  yard 
— and  a  dozen  children. 

DUET. — Captain  Cliffi.y  and  Mrs.  Wu.dlove. 
When  misery  decends  on  earth 

To  blight  life's  sweetest  flowers, 
The  joy  that  tlies  from  hearts  of  mirth. 

Shall  find  a  home  in  ours. 
When  fleeting  love  begins  to  roam 

In  search  of  brighter  hours, 
To  seek  in  hearts  a  lasting  home. 

That  liome  shall  be  in  ours. 

Wil,  [^Aside,]    Curse  him!  how  loving  he  looks.    What 


2fl"  Mr  wife's  husband.  [act  ii. 

an  agreeable  situation  is  mine  ! — I  can  bear  it  no  longer ! — 
He  kisses  her  hand,  while  she  is  nothing  loth.  Oh!  I  shall 
go  mad  with  jealousy  and  vexation'. 

Enter  Isabella,  inhaste,  c.  D.  F. 

Isa.  My  father  is  coming  this  way  from  ray  apartment 
vhere  he  has  been  searching  for  some  person  whom  he  de- 
clares is  concealed. 

Mrs.    Wil.  What  must  be  done  ? 

Cii-  Hush  !  he  is  at  the  door. 

Wil.  [Aside — Making  signs  to  Isabella.']  Confotind  it  I 
— she  will  not  look  this  way. — I  begin  to  suspect  a  hoax; — 
the  ladies  and  gentleman  appear  to  be  old  friends. 

Re-enter  Testy,  with  a  blunderbuss,  R, 

Tes.  My  efforts  have  been  unsuccessful.  Hey-day !  what 
do  I  see  ? — more  relations,  1  suppose  ; — another  full  house 
for  a  month, — I  really  am  determined  to  set  up  an  hotel. 
"Why,  Isabella,  what's  all  this  ? 

Jsa.  This  is  Mrs.  Wildlove,  sir. 

Tes.  1  know  that  is  Mrs.  Wildlove,  sir! — she  has  been 
hoic  these  three  days,  I  believe. — Do  you  think  I  am  turned 
idiot  ?     And  pray  who  is  that  gentleman  ? 

Wil.  [Aside.^  The  very  question  I  wish  answered  — 
What  a  good  sort  of  an  old  man  it  is,  if  ^n  had  not  a  blun- 
derbuss. 

Jsa.  That  gentleman,  papa,  is— 

Mrs.  Wil.  Yes,    sir,  he  is — 

Cli.  Yes,   sir,  I  am — 

Tes.  [Presenting  the  blunderbuss.']  He  is  and  I  am  — 
why  don't  you  speak  ? — tell  me  this  instant. 

Jsa.  That  is  Mr.  Wildlove,    papa. 

Mrs.  W.  Yes,  sir,  Mr.  Wildlove,  my  husband. 

Cli.  Your  most  obedient  servant,  «r. 

Wil.  [Aside.]  The  most  obliging,  civil  gentleman  in  ex- 
istence. This  IS  following  it  up.  How  amusing  to  be  half 
stifled  in  this  closet,  while  a  polite  good-natured  soul  runs 
away  with  my  wife,  and  personates  me  to  facilitate  his 
scheme. 

Tes.  ]Mr.  Wildlove,  you  are  welcome.  I  heard  that  you 
■were  expected; — coulcl  not  be  happy  when  absent  from 
Mrs.  Wildlove,  eh  ?  I  am  glad  to  see  you  so  affectionate, 
forlassure  you  strange  reports  had  reached  me,  but  this 
proof  of  your  attention  has  secured  my  favour  and  consent. 
— I  forgive  your  hasty  marriage,  and  here  are  the  necessa« 
ry  papers  which  entitle  you  to  your  wife's  fortune, 

Mrs.  W.  My  dear  uncle — 


SCENE    t.]  MY    wife's    HUSBAND.  ■     27 

Tes.  Zounds  !  Not  a  word,  madam — I  will  not  be  inter- 
rupted— I  am  not  accustomed  to  contradiction,—  your  hus» 
band's  appearance  pleases  me,  and  I — 

Cli.  My  h(jnuured  sir — 

Tes.  Hold  your  tongue,  sir,  or  I  will  exert  my  authority 
by  makinn^  use  of  this  cane, — I  choose  to  do  things  hastily 
—what  is  it  to  you  ? 

Wil.  [Aaide.]     An  ill  mannered  interrupter. 

Tes  Your  lather  and  I  were  playmates — schoolfellows — 
friends.  In  an  ungarded  moment  we  disagreed  and  parted 
for  ever.  I  have  only  to  add,  that  time  has  not  lessened 
my  esteem  for  him,  and  I  am  happy  that  his  son  is  allied  to 
a  part  of  my  family.  However,  had  1  found  you  otherwise 
than  your  appearance  liespeaks — a  gentleman,  my  doors 
should  have  been  dosed  against  you,  depend  upon  it. 

Wil.  \A!iide.'\  My  wife's  uncle! — the  friend  of  my  fa- 
ther 1  Here's  a  plot — a  vile  conspiracy  1 — oh  I  what  have 
I  lost?  While  I  droop  in  misery,  neglected,  forgotten— 
they  will  riot  in  luxury,  and  I  pine  in  my  prison  two  feet 
by  one. 

Tes.  Come,  Isabella,  our  friends  need  refreshment. 

Jsa.  [Aside.'\  We  are  taken  in  our  own  snare,  and  no 
method  of  escape  appears  probable. 

Tes.  We  will  to  supper,  and  then  to  rest.  Mr.  Wildlove, 
that  is  your  chamber  to  the  right — a  good  night's  rest  will 
fit  us  for  a  little  trip  I  propose  we  make  to-monow.  The  sur- 
rounding scenery  is  worthy  observation,  and  a  visit  for  a 
week  to  the  neighbouring  lakes  will  repay  our  trou)>le. — 
Joseph  I 

Wil.  [Aside.l  When  they  are  at  supper  I  will  steal 
down  stairs ;  with  the  assistance  of  Brass,  arrive  in  my 
proper  character,  and  overwhelm  my  enemies  with  con- 
fusion. 

Enter  Joseph,  l. 

Jos.  There  is  a  gentleman  wishes  to  see  you,  sir. 

Tes.  I'll  step  to  him  immediately.  Jos'eph,  I  shall  be 
from  home  for  a  few  days,  lock  this  room  up  directly — 
double  lock  it,  d'ye  hear?  and  give  me  the  keys. 

[Exeunt  Testy  and  Joseph,  l, 
Wil.  [Aside.']  I  will  not  stay  here  to  be  locked  up,  while 
they  regale  at  supper,  or  starve  for  a  week  when  thev  are 
gone  to  the  lakes.  [Coming  forward.]  I  really  regret  ex- 
ceedingly to  disturb  the  happiness  and  delightful  tranquil- 
tty  whicn  prevails^ 

Cli    Pray  w^ho  are  you,  sir? 

Wil.  My  business  is  first  with  this  lady,  sir. 


28  MY  wife's  husband.  [act  It. 

Mts.  W.  With  me  ! — impossible  ! 

Cli.  And  by  what  right,  sir  ? 

Wil.  No  great  right,  sir,  only  as  her  husband — as  my 
wile's  husband. 

Mrs.  W.   The  odious  wretch  ! — take  him  from  my  sight! 

Isn.  Indeed,   cousin,    I  cannot  commend  your  choice. 

Cli.  Well,  I  must  conlejs  that  the  servants  in  this  house 
are  the  most  impudent  scoundrels  in  existence  ! 

Wil.   Do  you  take  me  for  a  footman,  sir? 

Cli.  But  for  the  presence  of  these  ladies,  I  would  horse- 
whip you  down  stairs, 

Mrs  W.  I  beg  we  may  not  interrupt  your  wishes. 

Wil.  This  hectoring  will  not  serve  yourpurposcj — I  assert 
that  this  lady  is  my  wife. 

Mrs.  W.  1  shall  certainly  faint  if  the  monster  be  permit- 
ted to  remain  near  me. 

Isa.  See  I  she  swoons  ! — help! 

Enter  Brass,  l. 

Bra.  Help  ! — what's  the  matter  now,  I  wonder? 
Wil.  Ha !     Brass  here  I — I   shall  easily    be   identified. 
This,  sir,  is  my  servant,   if  you  think   proper  to  questioa 
him,  no  doubt  tut  he  will  satisfy  your  doubts. 

Cli.  [To  Brass."]     Do  you  know  who  this  madman  is? 

Bra.  I  never  saw  him  oefore  in  the  whole  course  of  my 
life,   sir. 

Cli.  What's  that,  scoundrel? 

Wil.  He  knows  nothing  of  you,  and  it  is  clear  you  must 
be  an  impostor  or  a  lunatic. 

Wil.  O  monstrous  depravity  ! — Am  I  awake  ? — my  own 
wife  denies  me — my  servant  swears  he  never  saw  me,  and 
I  almost  doubt  wiie'thor  I  am  myself  or  somebody  else.  [  To 
Mrs.  Wildlove.'\  My  dear  madam,  will  you  do  me  the  fa- 
vour to  examine  me  ?  am  I  not  your  husband  ? 

Mrs.  W.  [  Tinning  from  him  to  CUffly.]  Oh  !  save  me ! 
—do  not  allow  him  to  approach. 

Wil.  [To  Isabella.']  And  you,  fair  excellence — surely 
you  will  not  deny  me  ? 

Isa.  I  never  beheld  you  until  to-day. 

Bra.  Foor  fellow  1  nobody  vvill  own  him. 

Wil.  I  cannot  bear  it  I — I'll  raise  the  house  ! — I'll  be  re- 
venged !— Madam  ! — ladies  ! — sir  ! — Brass ! — the  devil !  — 
will  ye  hear  me  ? — will  you  lend  me  a  patient  hearing  for  a 
few  moments  ? — I  am  not  mad! 

Bra.  He's  breaking  out  a>fain.  Take  care — these  rtad 
folks  have  such  a  knack  at  biting.  Poor  creature  !  takes 
me  for  his  servant  too. 

Wil.  [Aside.^  I  have  it!— I  suspect  a  trick  here,  and  have 


SCENE   I.]  Ur    WIFE  S     HUSBAND.  29 

hit  upon  a  schwfne  shall  turn  the  tide  in  my  favour; — over- 
whelm them  with  their  own  contrivance,  and  at  the  same 
time  get  me  out  of  this  unfortunate  affair. 

Cli.  Kxcuse  me,  ladies,  1  must  chastise  this  insolence. 

Wd.  Do  not  trouble  yourself,  sir,  or  alarm  the  ladies. 

Isa.  We  are  not  the  least  frightened. 

Wil.  Indeed!  For  you,  sir,  be  assured  you  shall  hear 
from  me  when  you  least  expect  it. 

Cli.  The  sooner  the  better,  sir. 

\VU.  [Aside,]  Now  for  my  ruse-dc-guerre,  wliich  if  it 
succeed,  1  shall  retrieve  all  my  misfortunes. — Ladies — sir — 
Brass — now  hear  me  ! — oh  horrible  !  \_Exit  L. 

Omnes    [Laughitig]  Ha!  ha  I  ha! 

Isa.  {Laughing.']  Ha  I  ha!  ha!  we  have  frightened  him 
however. 

Mrs.  W.  This  is  no  jesting  matter,  Isabella.  Ilow  shall 
we  undeceive  my  uncle? 

Cli.  1  only  fear  that  we  have  carried  this  joke  too  far. 

Bra.  The  old  gentleman  is  coming,  and  does  not  appear 
over  pleased. 

Enter  Testt,  l. 

Tes.  Plague  lake  these  interruptions  I  say.     Now  to  sup- 

rer,  and  thfu  we'll  go  to  bed.  Come,  girls,  to  supper. 
To  Cliffiy,]  WiliUovo! — why  man.  you  seem  in  the  dumps; 
— what's  the  matter  now  ? — Not  J)ecn  quarrelling  1  hope. 
Isabella,  what  is  all  this  whispering  about  ? 

Cli.  [Aside.]  I  must  confess.     My  dear  sir — 

Jsa.  Yes,  my  dear  papa,  we — 

Mrs.  W.  My  dear  uncle — 

Tes.  Zounds  I  what  d'ye  mean  ? — Speak  out,  will  ye? — 
oh,  I  sec  it  all — I  guess  the  reason  of  your  silence,  so  don't 
Btand  tidgetting  tliere. 

Jsa.  And  do  you  really  know? — and  will  you  forgive  us,  sir? 

Tes.  Will  I  fi>rgive  you? — to  be  sure  I  will.  Oh!  you 
little  baggage,  I  see  it  in  your  looks  ;  you  are  disappointed 
that  your  cousin  Popplcton  is  not  here  to  join  us  I — Hush! 
I  wo'n't  hear  a  word — I  know  that  is  it, — don't  deny  it. — 
Hold  your  tongues!  But  I  expect  him  soon  for  he  had  left 
the  Inn  on  his  way  hither. 

Enter  Joseph,  l. 

Jos.  Mr.  Poppleton  is  below,  sir. 

Tes.  Send  him  up,  Joseph.    Come,  no  more  pouting. 

[Exit  Joseph,  l. 
Bra.  [Aside.]  Poppleton  coming ! — then  I  must  be  going. 

J?;iier  Wii.DLOVE,  i..  in  travelling  coat,  ^c. 
Wil.   [Running to  Testy  and  embracing  him.]  Ah!  my 
c  3 


30  MT  wife's  husband.  ^act  ir. 

honoured  uncle ! — Po  I  behold  you  well  ? — my  more  than 
parent!  let  me  embrace  you. — Ladies,  your  truly  devoted. 
— [Embracing  again.'\     JMy  dear,  dear  uncle  ! 

Tes.  What !  nephew  Poppleton  ! — I'm  glad  to  see  you. 
—How  you  are  grown. 

Wil.  Quite  out  of  knowledge.  {AsideJ]  I  hope — 

Isa,  \^Aside.'\  Amazement ! — Wildlove  1  * 

Mrs.  \V.  \^Axide.~\   My  husband! 

Cli.  [Aside.l  Here's  an  end  to  my  pretensions. 

Tes.  I  think  1  should  have  known  you,  nephew. — The 
family  face.  Let  me  introduce  you.  Isabella,  my  daugh- 
ter— Mr.  Poppleton,  your  cousin — Mr.  and  Mrs.  Wildlove. 

Wil.  Is  that  the  beauteous  Isabella,  whose  charms  have 
been  the  admiration  of  all  London? — Madam,  I  salute  you 
— Mrs.  Wildlove,  I  am  your's — 

Bra.  [^Aside.]  I  see  how  things  are  going,  and  it  is  only 
fair  that  I  give  master  a  turn  now  — Mr.  Poppleton  I  am 
glad  to  see  you  looking  so  well. 

Wil.  l^Aside  to  Brass.]  You  know  me  now,  you  rascal? 
— Ah  Brass! — how  do,  Brass? — hav'nt  seen  you  sometime; 
— pretty  well,  eh?  \^Aside.]  Swear  you  know  me,  or  dread 
the  weight  of  my  arm.    How  s  mother  and  sister,  eh.  Brass? 

Tes.  You  know  Mr.  Wildlove^  then,  since  you  seem  so 
intimate  with  his  servant? 

Wil.  Know  Wildlove! — aye,  that  I  do. — Jack,  how  are 
you  ? — we  are  old  play-fellows.  Why  uncle,  we  are  sworn 
friends;  Wildlove  and  I  are  two  bodies,  and  one  soul — sort 
of  Siamese-youths,  as  I  may  say, — an't  we.  Jack  ? 

Cli.  [Aside.}  I  dare  not  deny  the  acquaintance. — [To 
Testy.]  Mr.  Poppleton  and  I  are  very  old  acquaintances,  sir. 

Wil.  [Aside!]  Been  very  intimate  for  this  half  hour. 

Tes.  And  his  wife — 

Wil.  His  wife's  a  nice  woman  ! — a  huge  favourite  of  mine 
I  assure  you,  uncle  ; — had  half  a  mind  to  cut  Jack  out  once  ; 
•^nearly  succeeded  too,  did'nt  I  Sukey  ? — How  do  you  find 
yourself? — how's  Mary  and  Jane  ? — Saw  your  brother  last 
week, — desired  his  kind  love  to  you. 

Mrs.  W.  [Aside  ]  How  he  triumphs  at  our  confusion  ! 

Tes.  Just  such  a  rattling  blade  as  his  father,  and  takes 
after  me  exactly.  But  I  say,  nephew,  how  arc  all  friends 
at  home  ? 

Wil.  Quite  hearty,  thank  you.  My  sweet  cousin,  Isa- 
bella, those  bright  eyes  of  yours  have  already  captivated 
your  slave. — Almost  supper  time,  uncle? — saw  the  cloth 
laid  as  I  came  up  stairs  ; — do  me  Ihe  honour  to  accept  my 
arm.  Excuse  nie,  unkey,  we'll  lead  the  way.  What  a 
commodious  dwelling  I  windows  only  thirty  feet  from  the 
ground — quite  a  trifle  for  a  jump,  eh,  uncle  ? — Such  excel- 
lent closets  for  preserves. — Come  along,  supper  will  be 
ccld»  [Wildlove  is  leading  Isabella  out,  L. 


S«BNii    I.]  MY    wife's    husband.  81 

EiUer  Peter  Voppleton,  meeting  them. 

Pop.  Never  saw  such  a  place — I   can't  find  my  way  out. 

Wil.  Who  have  we  here  ? 

Pop.  Do  pray  shew  me  the  way  to  the  street  door. 

Tes.  Pray  who  are  you,  sir  ? 

Pop.  I  sliall  be  glad  if  you  will  tcl  iie.  This  morning  I 
was  called  Poppleton,  but  Pve  been  called  a  good  many 
names  since  then.     I  want  to  find  one  Mr.  Testy. 

Wil.  [To  Testv.]  Says  his  name  is  Poppleton  I 

Tes.  I  am  Mr.  Testy. 

Pop.  Then  you  are  my  uncle. 

Wil.  [LauffAing.]  Ha!  ha  1  ha! — it  won't  do,  friend; 
that's  a  good  one — I  am  Peter  Poppleton,  nephew  to  my 
uncle. 

Pop.  Yes  ! — come,  that's  a  good  one.  "Why  my  friend. 
Captain  Harrison,  can  prove  who  I  am. — Captain,  speak 
for  me. 

Bra.  Do  you  address  me,   sir? 

Pop.  You  are  the  officer  I  dined  with,    I  believe. 

J3ra.  You  must  mistake,  sir. 

Wil.  [Laughing.]  Ha!  ha  I  ha!  you  see,  uncle,  he  evi- 
dently is  not  an  old  offender,  or  he  would  not  choose  such  a 
witness  to  speak  in  his  favour. 

Pop.  But  I  say  I  don't  mistake ; — didn't  vou  say  vou 
know'd  me  bj-  the  family  visage — didn't  we  rfine  togetlier 
at  the  Blue  Lion  ? — and  didn't  I  pay  for  the  plaguey'lot  of 
wine  you  drank  ? 

Bra.  Couldn't  be,  sir — I  never  drink  wine — it  does  not 
agree  with  me. 

Pop.  I  wish  you  had  thought  of  it  before  dinner. 

Tes.  This  story  is  too  improbable  ; — calling  Mr.  "Wild- 
love's  servant  an  officer. 

Wil.  [Apart  to  Testy."]  Suppose,  uncle,  this  should  be 
some  favoured  lover  of  my  cousin's  in  disguise  ;■  what 
think  ye  of  it? 

Tes.  Right,  boy. — I  have  long  suspected  something  of 
the  kind. 

Wil.  [To Poppleton.]  I  say  Mr.  Impudence,  hear  me. 
"We  know  you,  notwithstanding  your  attempt  at  conceal- 
ment. Miss  Isabella  is  your  magnet. — Fie,  cousin  !  when 
I  consider  the  honour  of  my  uncle's  housfe,  it  behoves  me 
to  express  my  opinion   upon  this  unpleasant  subject. 

Isa.  What  can  he  mean  ? 

Tes.  Go  on,  bov,  go  on — all  the  family  blood  in  your 
veins.  You  shall  have  my  daughter — that  scamping  rascal, 
who  has  been  so  anxious  to  win  her,  shall  find  me  a  match 
for  him. 

Cli.  [Aside.]  Must  I  endure  all  this? 

Wil.  [To  Pbppleton]  I-Rt  me  advise  you  to  depart  in- 


igS  MT   WITE'S    husband  [ACT  tt. 

stantly,  ana  consider  yourself  fortunate  that,  in  the  pleni- 
tude of  our  mercy,  we  do  ivot  make  an  exampleof  the  worst 
of  offenders.  For  my  cousin,  Isabella,  1  know  not  what 
to  say;  making  her  father's  house  a  place  of  concealment 
for  her  favourites  ! — shame  ! — lie,  cousin,  lie  1 
Jsu.  Sir,  I  deny  your  assertions  1 

Wil.  [Apart  to  hubella.'\  Hush  I  my   angel,  remember 
the  closet; — only  assist  me,   and  you  are  safe. 

Pop.  All  this  signifies  nothing — I've  my  uncle's  corres- 
pondence in  my  pocket. 

Tes.  Aye,  produce  them,  I  know  my  owa  writing. 
Wil.  \AsideA  Those  cursed  epistles  ! 
Pop.  Here  they  are  then,  look  at  them. 
Tes.  "VVhere  are  my  spectacles  ?  I  cannot   see  -without. 
Wil.  ^Takes  the  letters.']  My  uncle  cannot  read  them  ; — 
the  fact  IS,    he  does  not  know   his  letters,  so  they  are  not 
pi'oofs.     But  we  know  you — that  you  are  making  use  of  a 
name  which  does  not  belong  to  you. 

Poj).  And  I  know  yon  too. — I  think  we  met  about  half  an 
hour  ago,  in  this  room.  You  may  shake  your  head,  but  I 
am  positive,  and  there's  a  livery  jacket  peeping  out  under 
your  great  coat, — we'll  soon  see  who's  who,  Mr.Doubleskin. 
Wil.  The  devil  take  his  penetration  1 
Tes.  What  does  he  say  ?  Give  me  the  letters.  As  I 
live,  my  own  writing  I 

Pop,  To  te  sure   the.y  are ;  and  here's  another  from  my 
mama. 

Wil.  \^Aside.  ]  it's  all  over  with  mc — I  see  through  my 
wife's  stratagem,  and  am  resolved  to  profit  by  this  day's 
adventures. 
Tes.  \To  Wildlove.']  Then  who  are  you,  sir  ? 
Wil.  I'he  ladies  sht)uld  have  the  privilege  of  explaining. 
Isa.  Mis.  Wildlove,    sir,  deserves  the  preference. 
Mrs.   W.    {To   Wildlove.']    There  is  but  one  event  which 
could  reconcile  me  to  my  uncle's  displeasure, — the  hope — 
the  assurance  of  a  husband's  reformation   and  forgiveness. 
Wil.  Then  we  have  but  to  request  our  uncle's   blessing. 

[  They  kneel  to  Testy. 
Tes.  And  you  are   man  and  wife  ? — and   I  have  been  "ic- 
ccived  ? 

Wil.  We  confess  our  errors,  sir. 

Tes.  Then  rise,    and  take  my    best  wishes. — A  generous 
n.ind  requires  no  greater  concession.     What  says  Isabella? 
Isu.  That  she  trusts  to  her  father's  generosity  and  affection. 
Tes.  And  she  shall  not  repent  it. 

Cli.  Mightl  presume  to  an  inlere^t  in  your  kindness,  sir? 
Tes.  tJpnu  my  word,  I  must  trouble  some  of  my  friends 
for. an  introduction. 

Wil.  My  dear  uuclc,  I  will  cKplain  evei*y  thing  to  ^your 


SCENE  I.]  MY    wipe's    HUSBAND.  33 

eatisfaction  hereafter. — For  the  present,  allow  me  to  present 
Captain  Cliffly,  who  hopes  that  the  resemblance  to  your  old 
friend,  which  you  were  pleased  to  discover  while  lie  repre- 
sented your  luuuhle  servant,  will  not  operate  to  his  disad- 
vantage. 

'Iia.  Captain  Cliffly! 

Wtt.  The  same,  sir. — Isabella,  I  believe,  can  identify. 

Tes.  Charmin<^  cross  purposes  I  But  what  thinks  my 
nephi  w  Pojiiileton  ? 

Pop.  I  only  think  it's  almost  supper  time,  uncle. — Miss 
Isabella  is  at  liberty  fur  me.  "  Do  in  haste,  and  repent  at 
leisure,"  as  my  mama  says. 

Tcs.  This  is  all  very  line,  but  I  am  not  quite  sure  that 
every  body  can  tell  \vho  they  are.  A  short  time  since,  Clif- 
fly was  Wildlove — Wildlove  was  Poppleton,  and  Popple- 
ton  was — 

Pop.  Going  home  by  the  mail,  if  he  could  have  found  his 
wav  out. 

Tes.  But  now  that  he  is  found  out,  I  insist  upon  his  stay- 
ing. 1  perceive  there  is  some  mystery  in  this  day's  proceed- 
ings, w  hich  will  require  too  long  an  explanation  to  be  entered 
upon  now.  I  have  only  to  add,  if  you  are  happy,  I  am 
content. 

Wil.  Many  thanks,  my  dear  uncle.  Isabella.  I  shall  ex- 
pect that  Captain  Cliffly  be  not  allowed  to  lose  himself  for 
want  of  a  guide,  like  our  fiiend  Poppleton,  whose  pardon 
I  now  solicit;  and  if  we  have  been  so  fortunate  as  to  gain 
the  smiles  and  applause  of  our  kind  surrounding  friends, 
whose  approbation  is  our  best  reward,  our  first  wishes  are 
realized,  and  we  are  happy,  and  I  should  be  indeed  content 
could  I  but  secure  your  welcome  greetings  for 

My  Wife's  Husband! 

FINALE. 
"  We  trust  that  oureflorts  to  cause  you  delight 

From  plaudits  will  now  have  a  greeting; 
And  hope  those  kind  patrons,  who  come  here  to-night. 

Will  honour  our  next  merry  meeting!" 

DISPOSITION  OF  TIIL  t^nARACTERS  AT  THE 
FALL  OF  THE  CURTAIN. 

Brass,    Cliffly.   Isabella.  Mrs.  Wild.  Wild.  Testy.   Pop. 


TUB  END. 


PR 

4H-S3 

A?9 


dm 


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